I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
