I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
