I am puke
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
