My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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