U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
