I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
