Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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