You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
