took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
