i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
