bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
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