i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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