i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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