just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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