he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
