i think my tv is drunk
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize