I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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