I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I am available for nakedness
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
