My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Your penis caused this!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
