just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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