I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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