Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize