If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How does it feel to date your dad?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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