Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize