Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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