I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
