Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
