once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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