Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I faked an abortion last night.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
