you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize