omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize