Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Houston, we have a squirter
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
