I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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