babies were throwing up all over the place
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
