I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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