I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I checked into jail on foursquare
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
