ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
