Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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