Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
