You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
