how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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