Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
