...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
