1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
