i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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