Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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