you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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