True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize