end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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