I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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