Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
