I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
