3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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