this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
vagina is talking i cant
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
