I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
