sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
