Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
