Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
