So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
