Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
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