I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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