1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i already hear my dad disowning me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
