Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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