can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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