my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
